When virtues become vices

This is just a brain dump and an introspection. You might be better off not reading it.

I have worked in 3 companies so far.

My first one was one of the best in my city. It was a software services based company.

The second company I joined was a huge startup but it moved like corporates because it was huge. We were a tech division of that startup which served multiple companies.

My third company, in which I work right now, is a small startup. It took off well in the pandemic but the growth dwindled slowly.

I met good people and professionals in all of these companies. Especially the third one because it is a globally remote company and we have good people onboard.

My performance as reported by my managers in all 3 companies has been good to say the least. I never got any negative feedback. Having repeatedly ask for areas for improvement, I have found my managers struggling to find anything specific to tell me. I feel like I learn and outgrow myself too quickly in any new company or project. Observing deeply and intensely helps.

I don't know what "job" would fail me. I can't think of any. I have worked in unfamiliar projects and technologies and grasped them very quickly.

I have polished myself as a professional too much. I don't like professionals. I even hate the word and unfortunately, people call me a good professional. I try to be reliable and responsible is all. I think, people would call me a good woodcutter if I start doing that. It's not about the act of woodcutting or writing software that I like. I like being responsible and staying true to my word.

Recently, I got some feedback about myself which bewildered me for a second.

My mom said to me, "You shouldn't be that self-reliant".

My boss said to me, "You are right most of the times. Try to make mistakes and share half-cooked thoughts and ideas so you appear human."

Seems like the things I value, care and work for the most are the exact things I am expected to change.

I have become such a good professional, that doing things outside of a professional environment has become difficult. There is a lot to unlearn. I want to do some side projects which can bring a little bit of money. Being professional hurts that ability to do so. I gotta unlearn a few things.

I have come far away from perfectionism but still focusing on the right thing is missing. I do and play by the book but the only book I know is that of a professional life. Those text books are pretty useless in stochastic/business world.

I feel extremely powerful in the day job and a weakling while working in the night or weekends on my side projects.

It's 1 AM. Gotta die!